Lost in transit

Dissatisfied

I've been trying to write something for lost in transit. I've been trying to express how different my situation is.

I think it's needless to say, that although I have now started a mammoth three posts, I haven't actually posted one of them. Nervous jitters? Dissatisfaction?

When I'm here I'm hyper-conscious of my outsider perspective. Not only that but I'm consicious that I'm a western woman, I'm conscious of my education, I'm consicious that I don't speak enough of the language, I'm conscious that even though I'm living here I can still only make generalisations. And I'd just like to say that I hate that. I love intricacies, and most of the time I have been here, I've been dealing in the incredibly general. 'Yes, most New Zealanders drink milk.' 'Yes, there are 60 million sheep.' 'Yes, we eat bread.'

Everything that I try to write, comes out wrong. Everything that I try to write I feel is unfair to me, unfair to the Japanese around me. I am no authority and I know nothing. I learn that everyday; I know nothing. It happens at school when they ask me questions about home. I only have my experience to go by, my knowledge. Yet I am always speaking for an entire nation, even when I place disclaimers throughout my speech. What is worse is that sometimes I am speaking for all of the other countries [60 or so] that participate in this programme. I find myself feeling uneasy when I think about disliking Japanese characteristics. I find myself uneasy speaking about the home I love, but that I acknowledge not everyone does.

Before I left someone said to me that they couldn't stand the Japanese. Hated them even. I assumed that it came from some bad experience. I assumed there was some reason. I didn't enjoy hearing it, I found it strange. I was embarking upon an adventure, and my new home was hated. And even though the population is vastly different from what I was lead to believe, I don't hate them. I really like some of the people that I've met here. I really like living here with them. I don't understand them, nevertheless I believe in their abilities to be different, to surprise me. But I find them ridiculous, still.

I find it hard living here. I find the society hard to deal with. Mainly in part because it is so different, so rich for a start. But mostly because the sinister parts keep disturbing me. I can be having a good day, then head to the combini for lunch and see young girls dressed up in school girl clothing spread eagled on the front of pornography that is sold next to the Manga, next to the Hashi. I hate how women are treated here. I feel as if I demand a soapbox if I even speak of this.

I feel like some colonial selling a new religion to the natives. I will never forget the porn that I have seen here, shown to me in the snack bars that charge a fortune for a drink. One was a gay snack. [read: for men only, women allowed, but bring a friend cause you'll be the only one.] We were women, we must be turned on by what straight Japanese men like. It was supposed to turn us on. But I found it scary, violent, abusive. I won't forget the way that Japanese go to KFC for kurisumasu, or Christmas. Hollowing out even more something that's fairly hollow where I come from, but that has great significance for me. I won't forget the way they employ me just because I'm a foreigner. I won't forget the way women are left behind at all times. I didn't see a wife for months. I won't forget.

But I hate the way I can't see goodness. Or rather, I hate the way that the goodness isn't enough. I hate the way that I feel, this creeping discomfort aimed at the men here. I never felt like this at home. So what is it? Why do I feel like this? This odd mixture of guilt and aversion. Japan reminds me of a culture of the brink of a separation from everything that it has known and lived by, everything that has made it successful. It's running full tilt towards fast food, and katakana engrish, shearing in two, wanting our approval and hating it at the same time.

And under all of that it's my arrogance that I hate. It's me

Posted by Waspish at April 4, 2003 01:39 AM