Lost in transit

How to Survive an Interview

As a foreigner living in a country with very few foreigners, namely Siberia Sevastopol Slovenia, there's always a good chance I will be called upon by a journalist to give an opinion about the country "through foreign eyes." It's basically just me and some Mormons here, and since the Mormons only want to talk Christ, it pretty much leaves only me. These interviews are always a delicate situation, requiring a Metternichian sense of diplomacy and tact. I don't have this at all but, nevertheless, here are some of the things I have learned:

1. Don't talk about bull's balls.

Sure it might seem funny to bring them up, especially when bikova jajca (bull's balls) was the first Slovenian phrase you committed to memory (after seeing it on a menu) but people will read about it, and remember it, and it will haunt you forever. Instead of hearing "good morning!" you will hear shouts of "Bull's balls!" OK? Don't say I didn't warn you.

2. If someone calls and asks if you'd like to appear on a game show, but is really vague about what kind of game show it is -- other than "It'll be really great! Really!" -- tell them to lick your bull's balls.

I got this call shortly after the second Iraqi war broke out. Since Slovenes were overwhelmingly opposed to the war, I was making an effort to keep a low profile and move among them undetected. For example, I stopped wearing my American-flag cape or the red-white-and-blue shirt that said: "If you have a problem with American foreign policy -- come talk to me about it, pissbubble!"

Like I said, the game-show guy was dodgy about the premise of the show but finally mentioned that it would be a trivia contest between me and my family and "another family." I turned it down, despite my love of trivia, and in retrospect, this probably saved my life. I later found out that they wanted to pit an American family against an Iraqi family in the "mother of all trivia competitions." It would have probably looked something like this:

HOST: Welcome to the trivia show! I'm your host for this evening, Janez Jajca, and tonight we'll be pitting two families against each other in a trivia brawl of geopolitical proportions! Let's meet our first contestant: a man who risked life and limb escaping from Iraq with his family just a few days ago: Muhtadi!

(applause)

HOST: Muhtadi, it says here you're originally from a small village outside Najaf?

MUHTADI: This is correct. Unfortunately, this village no longer exists because last night American bombers dropped 1000-lb bomb on it. Everything is gone, including the local museum with its priceless Persian pottery.

(angry murmurs from the audience)

HOST: Well, Muhtadi, it's funny you should mention American bombers, because our next guest is from the same country that recently vaporized your village! Let's say hello to Michael M.!

(no applause)

MICHAEL M.: Hi, uh, I was told this was a trivia show?

HOST (reading from card): Michael, it says here your biggest problem in life is that you sometimes get a hankering for Taco Bell and there aren't any in Slovenia?

MICHAEL M. (blushing): Well, no, I mean, yeah, I do get a hankering sometimes but, uh, I wouldn't call it my "biggest problem" or anything. I just, uh, thought, uh...

HOST: So here they are, ladies and gentleman! Muhtadi, the man who risked it all to escape the American war machine... (applause) and Michael M., who thinks everyone in Slovenia should eat American junk food! (angry mumurs) Let's play the trivia game!!

I can't tell you how happy I am that I didn't go.

3. Don't curse the immigration office

I know, I know, the temptation is enormous. And when they (inevitably) ask you what you "don't like about Slovenia," it's the first thing that pops into your mind. You instantly imagine that sterile hallway with the wooden door that has "Tujci" (Foreigners) written on it, and the thick rows of Balkan men standing forlornly outside. The mere thought of the hours you have lost there (because they forgot to tell you to bring a medical certificate proving you have a heart and now you have to start all over again from the beginning) fills you with murderous rage. Now is your chance, you think, to let them have it. Now you will right a great wrong, and the people reading their newspapers will say: "Good Lord, I cannot accept that they jerked this poor guy around like this! Tommy, go get Daddy's shotgun and metal tongs. It's hammertime!"

It won't happen. I wish it would... but it won't.

But that's it. That's everything. That's all you need to know. Just stick to these three guidelines, and you'll be as happy and carefree as a pair of bull's balls, swinging in a summer breeze.

Posted by Michael M at May 14, 2004 01:17 AM