May 27, 2005
Your Visa: Don't Leave Home Without It
The last time I moved overseas I needed only my passport. Before the Czech Republic joined the E.U., all that most of us had to do was leave the country every 90 days and re-enter to get our passports stamped again. If I had found a job, then I would have been able to get an official work/residency permit that would be good for a year before renewal, but considering I had all of Europe to go to for quick trips — lunch in Germany, anyone? — it wasn't a big deal to do the 3-month thing. If you have a U.S. passport and are visiting Australia, they also require you can't stay more than 3 months at a time for the duration of a year, but to leave the country and come back means flying a few hours out to New Zealand or Singapore or wherever, not quite as cheap or easy.
Now that I'm going to school in Australia, though, I've got to get an official student visa. From what I've been told by Aussies, The Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs (DIMIA) is about as popular as the East German Stasi, and not quite as cuddly. So I'm making sure to cross my ts and dot my is, or I run the risk of deportation and never being allowed to return, plus possibly even torture — I hear they make obstinate suspects listen to the theme song of Neighbours played on an endless loop to get them to cooperate.
You can fill out the application form online — secure server takes credit cards and everything — but then there was also the matter of the medical exam and chest x-ray that I'd have to get and have sent in. Being an island nation, Australia is very leery of what people bring in with them, whether it's animals, plants, or bacteria — they've had big problems in the past by people introducing foreign species that played havoc with the ecological system, e.g. rabbits, foxes, cane toads, etc. So anyone who wants to emigrate there has to submit their blood and urine tests (for Hepatitis, HIV, etc.) and chest x-rays (for tuberculosis), although tourists don't have to (probably because there's little chance they'd end up working in healthcare or food preparation, etc.). I suppose they also want to make sure someone isn't moving to Oz purely to take advantage of the healthcare system to treat some complicated disease.
So I finished the application, paid the fee — A$410, or about $312 US — and then went to the page with instructions for the medical exam. Turns out that you can only go to one of their listed "panel" doctors, and there were 3 listed in Manhattan. One was too far downtown, so I called the other two. "Do you take United Healthcare?" I asked. Turns out you can't put the exams on your health insurance, since it's elective; I don't think I could put in a claim saying, "I'm being forced to move to Australia because my president is a fuckwit and I don't want to live here anymore".
One office wanted $550 for the exam and x-ray; the other one wanted $350. Nice little racket they've got going there — anyone in the NYC area who wants to emigrate in Australia has to go to them and drop a few hundred bucks out of pocket. I got all of 15 minutes of the doctor's time before being sent to an exam room to have my blood taken by an assistant and directed to the bathroom to produce a urine sample. Then I had to walk over to the radiology office a few blocks away to get the x-rays taken, then wait for the film to be developed, then walk it back to the doctor's office so they could send it off with the test results when those come back in a few days.
And of course what a bureaucracy be without forms and questions? I already had to show that I was "of good character", now I had to give a full accounting of my medical history going back to the womb.
Of course they ask if you've ever have an operation, high blood pressure, epilepsy, tuberculosis, etc., with space to list details and dates. But then it gets a bit more general. Have you ever had pain in the back, neck, or any joint? Well, sure, sometimes if I sleep in a funny position my lower back aches a bit, but do they really need to do know that? Would that actually keep me out of the country? "Sorry about that, mate, but none of us have any back pain, so you wouldn't fit in here." Have you ever had stomach pains, indigestion or heartburn? What, their national supply of TUMS is so low that they have to screen new immigrants for acid reflux? (Guess Ashlee Simpson's out.)
Once you get through a whole list of questions, they give you one last chance to fess up: Have you ever had any medical, physical, psychological or other treatment in the last 5 years?" Uh, gee, yeah I think I've seen a medical professional at some point in the last half decade. It gets you so paranoid you start wondering if you have to report that time you asked the pharmacist about extra-strength hydrocortisone for that little rash you had for 2 days three years ago. I was surprised they didn't ask for a list of all paper cuts I'd ever sustained over my lifetime, as well as the brands of elastic bandage used.
Then there are the behavior questions. Of course they ask how much you smoke, and how much alcohol you drink; this being Australia, a higher number might be considered more favorable — we're talking about a country whose former Prime Minister holds a world record in drinking. Then of course, Have you ever been addicted to a drug or taken drugs illegally? I wonder if anyone ever actually puts down a Yes for that one. "Yes, every kind on the books, and I'm looking forward to take drugs illegally there. Do you have a connection I could call, mate?"
Anyway, my test results should be back next week, and then they'll get FedExed off to the Washington embassy (at my expense, too, naturally), and then hopefully I should hear within a week or two. Since I leave for Australia in about 5 weeks, it'll be cutting it close, but I think I'm generally healthy enough to be approved for the visa.
Just do me a favor and don't tell anyone about the paper cuts. You never know who might be listening.
Posted by wildsoda at May 27, 2005 09:11 PM